I feel like I should apologize before I even say anything, but I am not going to. Because what I am about to say is truth. It is every person's responsibility to do what they are called to do and that is for them to decide. I know what's been etched upon my heart and upon the heart of my husband.

The following two articles have come across my computer screen as suggested reading material by two very good friends in recent weeks. A contemplative, I am unable to simply read and go on without reflecting on the colossal dicotomy presented by the differing views offered by each author. And as a writer myself, once my children are off to bed, I am forced to neglect mundane household duties and all t.v. watching until the buzz in my head is relieved by the rapid pounding of the keys at the computer.

There is a paradox begging for recognition here and it has been the tug of war in my heart lately:

We live in complicated, busy, immediate gratification, drive-thru "we won't make it til you order it", microwave America, 2009. And life is tough, especially once you're considered an already "large" family. (which by the way, "large" is an adjective that Americans have assigned to any household with more than 2 or 3 children, so the fact that we have six boys makes us quite the show!)

vs.

Trusting God that He is the ultimate giver of life, ultimate provider.....

I've had some long hard conversations lately concerning this dilemma. And why is it a dilemma, do we dare ask? Why IS IT a dilemma? Because we were born here. Birth control was already being used by the time you and I were born, so it is engrained culture. We haven't known any other way. I wonder how many people have decided to have three children because that's just what people do...? That's what we said we were going to do.....heehee. But something happened for us. We had the three and knew we weren't done. (And I hate how we use the word "done", like our fertility is a freakin' cake or something!) And it hasn't changed yet. Every time after one of our children is born, I still know, I still have that deep, gut feeling that there are more to come, and that feeling of "wow, I can't wait to experience that again someday!" This is where I come screaming and yelling into the room of the first writer's desk........."what?" I ask. "You want to tell me that I want more children because I am a "bumpaholic!?!" Oh.....my. Well, the point of this is not to attack the lady who wrote this, but to point out the paradox (or two opposing paradigms) at work in the American culture, and ultimately in the Ferguson household.

Yes, there is a huge number of Christian mothers and fathers who are deciding to join the Quiverful movement (people who are open to having as many children as God blesses them with). I struggle a bit to not be offended by people's lack of understanding of this decision. But on the flip side of that, I used to think people like the Duggar famiy were crazy too. The second article points out all the reasons why we SHOULD welcome children from God and also, the reasons why we SHOULD NOT prevent them. While I am so much further on the extreme, siding with the second author, there is something that ties the two articles together for me and it is another set of questions, this time for each of them: What if I am NOT a bumpaholic and having babies to fill some void in my life, but rather see children as what they are - gifts from God? And what if, kind sir, I do so agree with what you're saying but I already have 4 in soccer, 3 in baseball, medical bills, and am just plain struggling to keep my head up? This is the paradox.


(read articles here and see my additional comments below....)
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The Belly-Rubbing High
Thanks to the influx of feel-good hormones and fawning from friends, family, and perfect strangers, having a baby can make you feel like a superstar. The problem: for some women, wanting to recapture that adoration pushes them to procreate again...and again.
By Martha Brockenbrough - Women's Health Magazine

IT'S NOT JUST IN YOUR HEAD. THERE REALLY IS A BUMPER CROP OF BABY BUMPS OUT THERE, FROM THE FAMOUSLY FERTILE, LIKE HEIDI KLUM, WHO'S FLIRTING WITH HER FOURTH SET OF STRETCH MARKS IN FIVE YEARS, TO THE INFAMOUS NADYA "OCTOMOM" SULEMAN, WHO EARLIER THIS YEAR BORE EIGHT BABIES AT ONCE EVEN THOUGH SHE ALREADY HAD SIX OTHER KIDS AT HOME THAT SHE COULD BARELY AFFORD TO TAKE CARE OF.

IN 2007 ALONE, AMERICAN WOMEN BIRTHED MORE THAN 4.3 MILLION BABIES—THE HIGHEST NUMBER EVER. MORE THAN A QUARTER OF THOSE WERE TO WOMEN HAVING THEIR THIRD OR FOURTH CHILD, ACCORDING TO THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL AND PREVENTION. AND DESPITE THE INFERTILITY FREAK-OUT THE ENTIRE COUNTRY SEEMS TO BE CURRENTLY ENGAGED IN, ONLY A SMALL NUMBER OF THESE BABIES—PERHAPS 100,000—RESULTED FROM MEDICAL INTERVENTIONS SUCH AS IN VITRO FERTILIZATION, SAYS JAMIE GRIFO, M. D., PH. D., DIRECTOR OF THE DIVISION OF REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGY AT THE NYU SCHOOL OF MEDICINE.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT WE'RE TRANSFORMING INTO A NATION OF DUGGARS (THE ARKANSAS FAMILY WITH 18 KIDS OFTEN SEEN ANNOUNCING THEIR LATEST CONCEPTION ON NBC'S TODAY SHOW) AND NOVOGRATZES (THE NEW YORK CITY CLAN OF SEVEN KIDS SOON TO BE THE FOCUS OF A NEW BRAVO REALITY SHOW)—THE AVERAGE NUMBER OF CHILDREN PER AMERICAN FAMILY IS STILL HOVERING RIGHT AROUND TWO.

STILL, CERTAIN MOTHERS, LIKE 31-YEAR-OLD MEAGAN FRANCIS, WHO IS RAISING HER FLOCK OF FIVE IN MICHIGAN, HAVE BIG BROODS BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE USED TO. "I GREW UP IN A RELATIVELY LARGE FAMILY AND ALWAYS LOVED HAVING LOTS OF PEOPLE AROUND," SHE SAYS. "SO IT'S NATURAL THAT I'D TRY TO RE-CREATE THAT EXPERIENCE WITH MY OWN FAMILY."

BUT IT'S NOT ALWAYS QUITE SO SIMPLE, PSYCHOLOGISTS SAY. SOME WOMEN MAY LIKE BEING PREGNANT A LITTLE TOO MUCH, OFTEN DRIVEN TO RAPIDLY REPRODUCE OUT OF INSECURITY, A CRAVING FOR ATTENTION, OR FEELINGS OF ABANDONMENT BY THEIR OWN PARENTS.

THE HIGH OF PREGNANCY
HAVING BABIES ISN'T ADDICTIVE IN THE WAY THAT ALCOHOL AND NARCOTICS CAN BE. BUT BUMPAHOLICS FEEL COMPELLED TO PROCREATE FOR MANY OF THE SAME REASONS THAT SUBSTANCE ABUSERS TURN TO BOOZE OR DRUGS.

"WOMEN WHO ARE OBSESSED WITH BEING PREGNANT ARE LITERALLY FILLING AN EMPTINESS INSIDE OF THEM, JUST AS ALCOHOLICS AND DRUG ADDICTS USE SUBSTANCES TO FILL A PSYCHOLOGICAL VOID," SAYS BEVERLY HILLS PSYCHIATRIST CAROLE LIEBERMAN, M. D. EVERY ONE OF US AT SOME POINT ENCOUNTERS THIS VOID, ADDS NEW YORK FAMILY THERAPIST BONNIE EAKER WEIL, PH. D., AUTHOR OF FINANCIAL INFIDELITY. "YOU WANT TO HAVE A PURPOSE IN THIS WORLD. YOU WANT TO FEEL LESS LONELY."

FOR SOME WOMEN, BABIES FILL THAT GAP PERFECTLY. INFANTS ARE DEPENDENT CREATURES. THEY CAN GIVE THEIR MOTHERS A CLEAR IDENTITY; THEY CAN ALSO BECOME HANDY SOCIAL BUFFERS. AT A PARTY OR ON THE PLAYGROUND, A WOMAN STRUGGLING WITH FEELINGS OF SOCIAL ANXIETY OR SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS CAN HIDE BEHIND THE ADORABLE INFANT IN HER ARMS. ANY PRESSURE TO BE CUTE OR CHARMING OR FUNNY DISAPPEARS— YOUR BABY HAS THAT COVERED. "BUMPAHOLICS BREED TO BLOT OUT THEIR FEELINGS OF INSECURITY," WEIL SAYS.

BOSTON PSYCHIATRIST AND FOX NEWS CONSULTANT KEITH ABLOW, M. D., SAYS SOME WOMEN SEEM TO VIEW HAVING MORE CHILDREN AS AN ALTERNATIVE TO ADDRESSING THEIR OWN PERSONAL PROBLEMS. "BEARING ANOTHER CHILD CAN SOMETIMES PROVIDE A SUBSTITUTE FOR DECIDING ON A CAREER PATH, MAKING A MARRIAGE WORK, OR EVEN WRESTLING WITH QUESTIONS OF SELF-WORTH," ABLOW SAYS.

AND THE BABY FIX CAN BECOME A CYCLE. WHEN AN INFANT BECOMES A MORE INDEPENDENT TODDLER, "THE MOM MAY FEEL ABANDONED AND ACT QUICKLY TO FILL THE VOID AGAIN WITH A NEW BABY WHO WILL RELY UPON HER AND HER PARTNER AND DEFINE THEIR LIVES," LIEBERMAN SAYS.

PROCREATING ISN'T JUST A PSYCHOLOGICAL BALM; IT ALSO FEEDS GENUINE PHYSICAL CRAVINGS. ACCORDING TO HELEN FISHER, PH. D., A PROFESSOR OF ANTHROPOLOGY AT RUTGERS UNIVERSITY, HUMANS DEVELOPED A SET OF THREE RELATED BRAIN SYSTEMS THAT ARE INTENDED TO PUSH THEM TOWARD PARENTHOOD: SEX DRIVE, HUNGER FOR THE ROMANTIC LOVE OF ONE PARTNER, AND A DESIRE FOR THE CALMNESS AND SECURITY OF ATTACHMENT.

MOTHER NATURE PRODS US BY MAKING SEX AND ITS AFTERMATH FEEL AMAZING. OXYTOCIN, THE SO-CALLED "CUDDLE" HORMONE THAT PROMOTES BONDING, FLOODS WOMEN'S BODIES DURING INTERCOURSE, PREGNANCY, CHILDBIRTH, AND BREASTFEEDING. "[PREGNANCY] IS LIKE A LOVE DRUG," WEIL SAYS. "A BABY-LOVE DRUG."

THEN THERE'S THE CONSTANT ATTENTION YOU GARNER FROM OTHERS WHEN YOU'RE BURSTING WITH CHILD. BUMPAHOLIC OR NOT, IT CAN BE PRETTY GREAT. BARB POMEROY, 42, OF LONGMONT, COLORADO, IS A MOTHER OF SIX GIRLS. SHE ADMITS THAT SHE REVELED IN THE QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS HER PREGNANCIES ELICITED FROM FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND EVEN COMPLETE STRANGERS. SHE ALSO LOVED THE COMPLIMENTS PEOPLE FED HER ABOUT HOW GOOD SHE LOOKED WHEN SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH HER DAUGHTERS. EVEN THOUGH SHE'S NOT PLANNING TO HAVE ANY MORE CHILDREN, SHE MISSES THE HEIGHTENED INTEREST AND CONFIDENCE PREGNANCY OFTEN BRINGS. "THERE'S THIS FEELING OF BEING SPECIAL WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANT," SHE SAYS. "I FEEL LIKE I BECOME ORDINARY AGAIN WHEN I'M NOT EXPECTING."

IT'S NOT HARD TO UNDERSTAND WHY: PEOPLE SMILE AT YOU, THROW YOU BABY SHOWERS, BUY YOU LOTS OF GIFTS. AND THE ROUNDER YOUR BELLY GETS, THE MORE SPACE YOU TAKE UP IN THE WORLD, AND THE MORE PEOPLE TAKE NOTICE OF YOU. IN MANY RESPECTS, YOU BECOME IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE.

SPOUSES AND PARTNERS DOTE ON YOU, GLADLY DELIVERING SOUP AT 10 A. M. OR ANTACIDS AT 11 P. M. "MY HUSBAND CONSTANTLY RUBBED AND CODDLED ME, AND I ATE IT ALL UP," SAYS LIZ BUSTAMANTE, A 39-YEAR-OLD FINANCIAL ADVISOR FROM FOREST HILLS, NEW YORK, WHO HAS ONE CHILD AND IS CURRENTLY PLANNING FOR THE NEXT. "AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, INSTEAD OF FEELING INSECURE ABOUT MY BODY, I WANTED TO RUN AROUND NAKED! I'D NEVER FELT SEXIER."

MAGAZINES CONDUCT CELEBRITY-BUMP WATCHES, AND NUDE MATERNITY PORTRAITS ARE BECOMING DE RIGUEUR FOR CELEBS AND CIVILIANS ALIKE. PREGNANCY LETS EVERY WOMAN BE A STAR IN HER OWN WORLD, AND THE REST OF US ARE ALL TOO HAPPY TO SHINE THE SPOTLIGHT. A PREGNANT WOMAN IS EXCITING BECAUSE THE CHILD SHE'S CARRYING REPRESENTS "THAT TIE TO THE FUTURE," SAYS HOLLY DONAHUE SINGH, A PH. D. CANDIDATE IN ANTHROPOLOGY AT THE UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA WHO TEACHES A CLASS CALLED ANTHROPOLOGY AND REPRODUCTION: FERTILITY AND THE FUTURE.

THE BELLY-RUBBING HIGH HITS THE PREGNANT WOMAN AS WELL AS THE PEOPLE WHO SURROUND HER. THE EXPECTANT MOTHER GETS AN OXYTOCIN BLAST AND RUBS HER BELLY AS A WAY OF BONDING. ADMIRERS WHO RUB HER BELLY GET A HORMONE RUSH, TOO. "AS SOCIAL CREATURES, OUR BRAINS HAVE EVOLVED TO MAKE POSITIVE SOCIAL BEHAVIORS FEEL GOOD. TOUCH CAUSES THE RELEASE OF OXYTOCIN, AND THIS CAUSES THE RELEASE OF DOPAMINE IN REWARD REGIONS OF THE BRAIN," SAYS PAUL J. ZAK, DIRECTOR OF THE CENTER FOR NEUROECONOMICS STUDIES AT CLAREMONT GRADUATE UNIVERSITY

GIVEN ALL THE PSYCHOLOGICAL, PHYSICAL, AND SOCIAL REWARDS ASSOCIATED WITH PREGNANCY, IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT SO MANY WOMEN LIKE IT. BUT PLENTY OF COUPLES STOP AT ONE OR TWO CHILDREN, DESPITE THE FUNDAMENTAL DRIVE TO REPRODUCE. THIS IS BECAUSE WE CAN USE OUR HIGHER BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO KEEP THOSE INSTINCTS IN CHECK, REMINDING OURSELVES THAT CHILDREN COST MONEY—ABOUT $950 A MONTH UNTIL THEY'RE 18—AND REQUIRE AN EXTRAORDINARY AMOUNT OF TIME AND ENERGY.

THIS IS PRECISELY WHY THE BUMP-LOVING BUSTAMANTE SAYS SHE'LL STOP AT TWO. MUCH AS SHE LOVED HER PREGNANT BODY AND ADORES BEING A MOM, SHE WANTS TO ALLOW FOR SOME FINANCIAL FLEXIBILITY—CHILDCARE, BALLET LESSONS, SUMMER CAMP, AND COLLEGE TUITION ADD UP. HAVING SUFFICIENT FUNDS ISN'T A DEAL-BREAKER FOR EVERYONE, THOUGH. NAN MOONEY, A 39-YEAR-OLD SINGLE MOM, IS LIVING WITH HER PARENTS IN THEIR SEATTLE HOME BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO SUPPORT HERSELF AND HER SON. STILL, SHE DESPERATELY WANTS MORE KIDS. HER FRIENDS AND FAMILY CALL HER CRAZY, SHE SAYS, BUT "I KNEW ENOUGH PEOPLE GROWING UP WHO HAD PLENTY OF MONEY WHO WERE NOT NECESSARILY LOVED AND NOT NECESSARILY HAPPY. I DON'T THINK IT'S AN ESSENTIAL INGREDIENT TO RAISING WELL-ADJUSTED CHILDREN."

FIGURING OUT THE RIGHT NUMBER OF KIDS TO HAVE IS A PERSONAL DECISION, TO BE SURE. AND NOT ALL WOMEN WITH LOTS OF CHILDREN ARE BUMPAHOLICS. BUT AN IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR PREGNANCY-CRAVING MOTHERS TO ASK THEMSELVES IS WHY THEY WANT MORE CHILDREN, WEIL SAYS. ARE YOU HAVING THEM BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH YOUR HUSBAND? OR SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK? OR BECAUSE YOU LOVE THE ATTENTION? NADYA SULEMAN, FOR ONE, IS BLUNT ABOUT THE FACT THAT SHE GOT PREGNANT TO FULFILL AN EMOTIONAL NEED. AS SHE REPORTEDLY TOLD ONE JOURNALIST, "I JUST LONGED FOR CERTAIN ATTACHMENTS WITH ANOTHER PERSON THAT I REALLY LACKED."

BUT PSYCHOLOGISTS SAY THERE ARE FAR BETTER WAYS OF MAKING MEANINGFUL CONNECTIONS. IN ORDER TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, MARRIED MOMS NEED TO SPEND QUALITY TIME ALONE WITH THEIR HUSBANDS—WHETHER IT'S TAKING A VACATION WITHOUT THE BABY OR JUST GOING OUT TO DINNER TOGETHER ONCE A WEEK AND LEAVING THE KIDS WITH A SITTER. "WOMEN WHO FOCUS ON THEIR CHILDREN TO THE EXCLUSION OF EVERYTHING ELSE INEVITABLY FACE AN EMPTINESS WHEN THEIR KIDS GROW UP AND BECOME MORE INDEPENDENT," WEIL SAYS.

IF YOU DO FIND YOURSELF FEELING A VOID AS YOUR BUNDLE OF JOY BECOMES A TODDLER, "THAT'S A GOOD SIGN THAT IT'S TIME TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU," SAYS ANN PLESHETTE MURPHY, AUTHOR OF THE SEVEN STAGES OF MOTHERHOOD: LOVING YOUR LIFE WITHOUT LOSING YOUR MIND. "INVEST IN YOURSELF. THOUGH IT MAY NEVER BE AS SATISFYING AS WHAT WE GET FROM TAKING CARE OF OUR KIDS, IT'S IMPORTANT TO FEEL PROUD OF SOMETHING YOU DO OUTSIDE OF CHILD-REARING SO THAT YOU DON'T THINK OF YOURSELF AS 'ONLY A MOM.'"

"ME TIME" CAN INCLUDE BIG THINGS—LIKE GOING BACK TO WORK OR STARTING YOUR OWN BUSINESS FROM HOME—OR SMALL, DAILY EXPERIENCES THAT ENRICH YOUR LIFE, SUCH AS HEADING TO THE GYM OR JOINING YOUR GIRLFRIENDS FOR DINNER AND COCKTAILS. IT'S ONLY WHEN YOU HAVE A BALANCED LIFE THAT YOU CAN BE SURE THE INNER CALL FOR A NEW ADDITION TO YOUR FAMILY SHOULD BE ANSWERED.
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Brandy:

Obviously, my biggest PROBLEM with this person's perspective on children is her use of the word "problem" in regard to children. My second biggest problem is her philosophy that I, as a pregnant woman, just love being pregnant a "little too much". Indeed I do love being pregnant. It is a beautiful, magnificent, miraculous experience. I am amazed by the process every time. Only our Creator God could have planned out something as incredible as conception and birth. But addicted? This blows my mind. If I am a female, and I am married to a man that I love passionately, then the result is frutifulness. I desire to be all those things. God made those things good and pure and wonderful and desireable and I enjoy being the woman God created me to be. He meant for that to be that way. To say that I need to be pregnant because it is some sort of "psychological balm" is to completely misunderstand the beauty of a warm and loving marriage and family. The point she makes about needing to do things you enjoy is valid, but we're still shortchanged by her notion that it's because we don't want to "just be moms". God designed seasons - winter, spring, summer, fall - yep, He made 'em all. He also made seasons within our lives, like childhood, teen years, early adulthood, then marriage, fertile years when we bear children and then a time when we're not fertile anymore, then grandchildren. He sort of planned it all out ahead of time for us, so we don't have to worry about it. Yes, there will be a time when all of our children are grown and married and begin having families of their own and I have no worries of having insecurities about who I am when they leave. The greatest reward that I can possibly think of with my human mind is that each of our children grow to be the man or woman God created them to be. And it is a joy to get to watch each of them blossom into that more and more every day.




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IS AN ECONOMIC DOWNTURN A GOOD REASON TO STOP HAVING KIDS? Voddie Baucham Ministries
THURSDAY, JUNE 11, 2009



The news has not been encouraging lately. Between job losses, bankruptcies, and government takeovers, it is hard to be optimistic about the future from a financial standpoint. Even China appears more capitalistic than America these days (see here). As a result, many Americans are making very hard choices. There are even commercials on television depicting families sitting around the dinner table talking about difficult decisions they must make and dreams they must defer. My family and I have had similar discussions as I have had a few events cancelled on account of “the economy”. Things are indeed tough.

One of the overlooked consequences of the current economic downturn is the increasing number of people who have decided to forego having children. All over the western world people are deciding that now is not the time to get pregnant. As a result, the vasectomy industry is experiencing an economic boom. As evidence of this, there was a recent article in Bio-Medicine titled, “With the Economy Down, Vasectomy Rates Are Up.” The author notes that, “Doctors around the United States are reporting a sharp increase in the number of vasectomies performed since the economy soured last year.” The numbers are actually quite astonishing. One article reported more than a thirty percent increase in vasectomy rates in Canada. Things are even worse in some parts of the United States. The Bio-Medicine article reports:

Since November, Dr. Marc Goldstein, surgeon-in-chief of male reproductive medicine and surgery at the Cornell Institute for Reproductive Medicine in New York City, said his practice has seen about 48 percent more vasectomy consultations compared to the same time the previous year.

This is especially discouraging news in light of the already astonishingly low birthrates in the industrialized world (See: here, and here). Russia, for example, is expected to see their population cut in half (from 140 Million to 70 Million) between 2005 and 2050. As Michael Specter of the New York Times put it,

“Driven largely by prosperity and freedom, millions of women -- here and throughout the developed world -- are having fewer children than ever before. They stay in school longer, put more emphasis on work and marry later. As a result, birth rates in many countries are now in a rapid, sustained decline. Never before -- except in times of plague, war and deep economic depression -- have birth rates fallen so low, for so long.”

And that was 1998! Things have gotten progressively worse since then. Many European countries have already reached the “point of no return,” and are in danger of becoming Islamic Republics.

Unfortunately, most people view having children as a purely financial endeavor. This attitude was summed up well by Dr. Harry Fisch, a professor of clinical urology at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Columbia University Medical Center, in New York City, who said:

"The issue about kids is often a financial one, and, if finances are low, it makes sense that people would be less likely to have more kids. And if they're thinking about it, this is the time."

Interestingly, things have been good (from a financial perspective) over the past few decades, but birthrates were still in decline. Thus, the current problem is not one of healthy birthrates becoming unhealthy in light of the economic downturn. Instead, greedy materialistic people who already saw children as a burden when they were ‘filthy rich” (which includes Americans at the “poverty line” if you look at things from a global perspective) are now in a panic because they are slightly less rich. But what does the Bible have to say on the subject? Is an economic downturn, or a set of difficult circumstances a good enough reason to stop having children?

I do not believe that an economic downturn is a sufficient reason to prevent pregnancy. I base my argument on four key factors. First, children are a blessing. The Bible is clear on this issue:

“Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.” (Psalms 127:3-5 ESV)

I love the ESV translation of this passage. Here we see an important nuance in the Hebrew text. It is not the man whose quiver is filled that is blessed, but the man “who fills his quiver.” In other words, we should seek children. We should desire them.

Second, we are commanded to “be fruitful and multiply.” (Gen 1:28; 8:17; 9:1, 7; 35:11; Jer 23:3) One of the principle purposes of marriage is procreation. Of course, this goes beyond merely having children to actually bringing them up in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph 6:4) in an effort to spread the image of God (and the gospel) throughout the earth. As such, it is unthinkable for Christians to attempt to enjoy the benefits of marriage and avoid the responsibility of having and raising children to the glory of God. R. Albert Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY said it better than most when he wrote:

Christians must recognize that... rebellion against parenthood represents nothing less than an absolute revolt against God's design. The Scripture points to barrenness as a great curse and children as a divine gift... Morally speaking, the epidemic in this regard has nothing to do with those married couples who desire children but are for any reason unable to have them, but instead in those who are fully capable of having children but reject this intrusion in their lifestyle.

Third, any decision to avoid pregnancy has to be based on biblical reasons, and a struggling economy is not one of them. While I do not believe that there are many instances where preventing pregnancy would be “biblical”, I do believe that there are some instances where one could make a strong biblical argument for doing so. For example, if a man’s wife breaks her pelvis in an automobile accident, I believe he would be quite wise in holding off any plans for a baby. I know there are some who have argued that it is “never biblical” to prevent pregnancy. However, I disagree. As a pastor, I would advise a man in the aforementioned situation not to impregnate his wife, and I would base that advice on Peter’s admonition to “live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel” (1 Peter 3:7 ESV). I believe this goes directly to a man’s role as protector in the home.

However, that is a far cry from the, “Things are really bad now” line of reasoning. Anyone wondering if the Bible gives any hint as to whether or not God would advise his people to continue having children in the midst of bad economic, or political times need only look at Jeremiah’s letter to the exiles in Babylon. In the midst of conditions that make ours look like a day at the park, the Lord spoke through his prophet:

“Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease.” (Jeremiah 29:4-6 ESV)

I thank God that my ancestors who were slaves (by the way, that’s worse than an economic downturn) bore children in spite of their difficulties. Had they adopted today’s mindset, there would be no descendants of slaves alive in America today. We would all have been “prevented” in the name of “prudence”.

Fourth, if one has biblical reasons to avoid pregnancy (and this is almost never the case), the next step would be to employ biblical means in doing so. If a couple finds themselves in a situation where avoiding pregnancy becomes necessary, there are other issues to take into consideration. For example, birth control shots, I.U.D.’s, morning after pills, and many birth control pills, are actually abortifacients (they have the potential to cause early abortions when they fail at preventing pregnancy). As such, they should be avoided. Also, bodily mutilation (vasectomy, tubal ligation, etc.) is a serious and morally questionable alternative (1 Cor. 6:19). That leaves barrier methods (though this raises questions of “spilling the seed,” i.e., Gen. 38), and abstinence (which carries with it a whole other set of difficulties; 1 Cor. 7:1-5). In other words, such decisions are far from “cut-and-dry” for those attempting to think and act biblically in this area. We must search the Scriptures (I also recommend resources like Andreas Kostenberger’s book, God, Marriage and Family).

Unfortunately, most Christians never give such issues much thought. Very often we assume that since the practice of preventing pregnancy is so common, it must be biblical, prudent, and ethical. Moreover, most “Christian counselors” actually advise believers to prevent pregnancy in virtually any instance. For example, if they 1) are newly married, 2) already have two or three children, 3) have experienced “difficult pregnancies,” 4) had one or more deliveries via c-section, or 5) are in the midst of an economic “crisis” (i.e., can only afford one new car and a 2,000 sq. ft. house). If you don’t believe me, start listening to call-in “counseling” shows. I know this firsthand. Regrettably, my wife and I fell victim to such “counseling” after our second child was born. Suddenly, we had our girl and our boy (the perfect LITTLE family), and the all-too-common excuse of “difficult pregnancies,” (coupled with a Caesarian delivery) so it was time to shut it down. We hired a doctor to take his scalpel and suture, and tell God we no longer needed, wanted, or trusted him in that area of our lives. I talk about this dark episode in Family Driven Faith.

I believe the burden of proof is on those who wish to prevent pregnancy. Search the Scriptures to see if these things are true. We mustn’t simply assume that the old clichés are true. I know we’ve always heard that the responsible thing to do is prevent pregnancy until you are “ready” financially (and there are no complications, or sickness, or dreaded warnings from physicians), but what does the Bible say? And who’s ever “ready” for a baby? Moreover, who knows what the financial scene will look like nine months from now?

There’s another issue at play here. Many people who prevent pregnancy today and plan on just “getting back around to it” some other time are in danger of, “tempting the Lord their God.” (Matt 4:7; cf. Deut. 6:16) Getting pregnant is not a guarantee. There are plenty of people out there who cry themselves to sleep at night because they’ve been trying for years and God has not opened the womb. People who put pregnancy off until a “more appropriate time” need to bear this in mind. You don’t know when (or if) you will get pregnant. As such, it is quite presumptuous to put it off until you decide you’re ready. Remember, God is the author of life, and every child is a blessing. Besides, who’s going to fix our ethical, spiritual, economic, and political crisis in the next generation if those of us who know the answer (the gospel) shut it down and stop launching arrows simply because they may require a little financial sacrifice in the short run?

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Brandy:

It really all boils down to one thing for me and my husband: DO WE TRUST GOD? If the hairs are standing up on the back of your neck, they should be. It's a bold question! It's a question that is not to be taken lightly. It's a question I have come to answer quietly, in the deepest recesses of my heart, with fear and trembling before an ENORMOUS and ALL POWERFUL God. In all humility, I can say that I have wrestled this question to the ground, tried to gag it and tie it up and stuff into a closet, only to go and retrieve it again and wrestle some more. It has been a dirty fight and I have come out bleeding on more than one occasion. To the lady who proposes that I want more kids because I'm a bumpaholic, I ask you this: Do you see me working my 14 hour days, day after day, cleaning, cooking, tending to the needs of a family of 8? Do you see me when I am all alone when I collapse on my bed at night and cry myself to sleep, hoping and praying that I am enough? Do you hear my heart beat, do you hear it's rhythm that chants...keep going, keep loving them and serving them, they will be servants of God....Does she hear me? Does she get me? Does she know that I know that the world might just think we're crazy but that we don't care? We don't care because we know that people with her opinions just don't understand. She doesn't understand where I am at because she hasn't journeyed with me to this place of trusting God with complete and total abandon. She was most likely born and raised here too. I get that. A quote from her, "T'S ONLY WHEN YOU HAVE A BALANCED LIFE THAT YOU CAN BE SURE THE INNER CALL FOR A NEW ADDITION TO YOUR FAMILY SHOULD BE ANSWERED." What does this mean, exactly? Her audacity.

As the second writer points out, there are many reasons why we choose to not have more children, finances and freedom being high on the list. And like I said earlier, it all boils down to one thing....trusting God. The bloodly brawl has been about these questions:

Do we trust Him with our finances?
Do we trust Him with our children's health?
Do we trust Him to provide a bigger house, car, and more stuff? (Don't forget here - we're spoiled Americans....)
Do we trust Him to give us a daughter? What if He doesn't? Do we stop if He doesn't? Do we stop if He does? Why does it matter?
Do we trust that we will both live to parent them?
Do we trust that our chlidren will grow into who He made them to be even if we are imperfect?
Do we trust HIm to to give us the energy and stamina to continue on as the load gets heavier?
DO WE WANT WHAT HE WANTS FOR US? DO WE DESIRE HIS WILL FOR US?

I'm tired of fighting. I relent, surrender....HE WINS. I trust Him. An echoing theme througout the past year of our lives has been, "I've got this all figured out - No need to worry. No matter how big the situation seems to you, I've got it under control. I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU." I don't know what is going to happen. I am not going to "plan" anything. I am getting a t-shirt made to wear every day to answer the dear strangers who ask, "so, are you going to try for a girl next?" It's all up to HIM, it will say.

I want to live by His plans. When I try to live by mine, I screw it all up.

I know it's not black and white for everyone. And I know that there are very very real reasons why some people should not have more and I am in no way attacking those people. I am talking about us here, and where this family intersects with two theories. Yes, I know God gives us wisdom. We can complicate it all we want, and like I said, I am really good at complicating things that aren't for ME to figure out. So, I won't.

Proverbs 3:5,6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge HIM and HE will direct your paths.